Saturday, December 18, 2010

Dieting or Die Eating?

Why weight loss shouldn't be your New Year Resolution 2011. 

1. To begin with, let's avoid anything to do with this extremely negative word 'Loss' - Robin Sharma is right , let's talk about “Gain” not “Loss”.


2. If you think losing weight is sexy and girls like it , you're wrong. Shane Warne weighs 85 kg and poor Arun Nayar is at least 10kg lighter. I won’t post Liz’s pics here , please google.

3. Some say , if you lose weight, you'll live longer – Even if it’s true , what's the fun in living a long life when you spent half of your life worrying and thinking about losing something. Even Rujuta Diwekar says that most of us "Lose mind to Lose weight" then why try.

4. Why don't you get in shape? If this bothers you perhaps you didn't study physics, maths, whatever carefully. 'Round' is a shape, and an awesome shape.

5. Are you scared of your height? No na , then why get scared of your width. Love every “dimension” of your life.

6. Rooney says, “The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”.

7. For those who are little scientific in their approach , let me bust this myth. You may have heard of something called Body Mass Index or BMI.

                   Weight in kilograms
     BMI =      ——————————
                   Height in meters²

Now tell me , how can this be correct , when we all know we can't increase our height, so all we are left with weight. It's an absolutely one sided formula, better ignored.

8. Think about millions of people employed directly or indirectly by KFC and McDonalds. Now if all of a sudden, you stop buying French Fries , who'll feed thousands of farmers and their kids who grow potatos.

9. You really think that Dieting is good for health , when the word itself begins with Die. It's suicidal and attempting suicide is a crime in many countries. Still if you want to Die , why not Die Eating.

10. To lose weight, they say "Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper" , This is ridiculous , when you get a chance to Be a King , three times a day , why be a pauper at all.


Last, and the most, Look at this. Period.

Disclaimer : Views expressed here are those of the author, and he may have "dressed it up" to suit certain "Waisted Interests".

Saturday, December 04, 2010

New Year Resolution 2011

Some of you may wonder that it's really early to think about New Year 2011 resolutions in the first week of  December 2010 , but you see “I'm different”. So this year , I'll be planning in advance. Let me give you some popular and repeated New Year Resolutions.
So , while you may pick one of these , I won't because “I'm different”.

So here I go with my 2011 New Year resolutions.


1. I'll stop reading movie reviews by Rajeev Masand, Taran Adarsh or for that matter any one , not only because they are biased but also because of huge inconsistency . Reviews of Khele Hum Jee Jan Se varied from Half a Star to Four Stars. I demand Govt. nationalise this whole movie rating business.

2. I won't Hashtag any scam next year in my tweets, frequently Hashtagging 2G, CWG, Adarsh, Radia etc has taken a heavy toll on 'Q' key on my Blackberry which shares the '#' symbol. 

3. I'll continue reading columns by Celeb Journo ( you know whom I am talking about) , but only when I am in mood to read fiction and not able to find my book "1001 Political Jokes".

4. Number Portability is certainly not for me, not because that I Love my service provider, but I don't want to make Govt. job easy to tap my phone.

5. I'll follow Chetan Bhagat , no- no not because I love him but through him I can easily know what Shejan Padamsee, Celina Jaitly and other Bollywood damsels are saying.

6. I'll go for fast unto death ( yet to decide whose death) OR drive from Borivali to Nariman Point during peak hours, to bring Arnab Goswami on Twitter. Yes, I Love Him, while you all were making fun of Kalmadi , he relentlessly interviewed him without even letting him speak.

7. You guessed it right, Fitness or Dieting won't be my New Year resolution . McDonalds and KFC employ almost 2 million people worldwide, Think about it.

8. I’ll go by I&B Ministry's advice and let them decide what my kids should watch. Have sent them all the tapes of Hannah Montana , Ninja Hattori, Power Rangers to check if It's appropriate for my 6 and 8 year old kids.

9. I'll watch every movie of Uday Chopra because Mom says "No gain without some pain".

10. Oh, I just found my 2007 New Year resolutions, I think I’ll go by them in order to save paper. Remember , Recycle, Reuse & Reduce.


Happy New Year.



Why weight loss shouldn't be your New Year Resolution 2011. 
1. To begin with, let's avoid anything to do with this extremely negative word 'Loss' - Robin Sharma is right , let's talk about “Gain” not “Loss”.

2. If you think losing weight is sexy and girls like it , you're wrong. Shane Warne weighs 85 kg and poor Arun Nayar is at least 10kg lighter. I won’t post Liz’s pics here , please google.

3. Some say , if you lose weight, you'll live longer – Even if it’s true , what's the fun in living a long life when you spent half of your life worrying and thinking about losing something. Even Rujuta Diwekar says that most of us "Lose mind to Lose weight" then why try.

4. Why don't you get in shape? If this bothers you perhaps you didn't study physics, maths, whatever carefully. 'Round' is a shape, and an awesome shape.

5. Are you scared of your height? No na , then why get scared of your width. Love every “dimension” of your life.

6. Rooney says, “The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”.

7. For those who are little scientific in their approach , let me bust this myth. You may have heard of something called Body Mass Index or BMI.

                   Weight in kilograms
     BMI =      ——————————
                   Height in meters²

Now tell me , how can this be correct , when we all know we can't increase our height, so all we are left with weight. It's an absolutely one sided formula, better ignored.

8. Think about millions of people employed directly or indirectly by KFC and McDonalds. Now if all of a sudden, you stop buying French Fries , who'll feed thousands of farmers and their kids who grow potatos.

9. You really think that Dieting is good for health , when the word itself begins with Die. It's suicidal and attempting suicide is a crime in many countries. Still if you want to Die , why not Die Eating.

10. To lose weight, they say "Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper" , This is ridiculous , when you get a chance to Be a King , three times a day , why be a pauper at all.

Last, and the most, Look at this. Period.

Disclaimer : Views expressed here are those of the author, and he may have "dressed it up" to suit certain "Waisted Interests".

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Orkutiya - Verified by Orkut.

So , finally it’s here. This was pending for long and after witnessing surge in Orkuttish behaviour on Twitter , Orkut has joined hands with Twitter to identify people who deserve this very special  status “Verified by Orkut” or as popularly known as “Orkutiya”.

Soon you’ll know an Orkutiya , by looking at his DP , which will look something like this.
Before Verification

Verified by Orkut - Orkutiya

Though Orkut and Twitter have decided to keep the parameters highly confidential, still my friend Booby at Twitter has got some of the Algos which increase your chances of being a “Verified Orkutiya”.

Twitter Handle – Usually He’ll have an innocuous looking handle but some with strong Orkuttish feelings may have something like – @Rohit_Hunk, @SunilSecC, @Ronny_Handsome, @SunnyFrmAmbala or simply @Bobby86.

Bio – That’s where an Orkutiya is at it’s best . Though he has limited space to describe his feeling still , can say it all. “I am 22, doing MBA, interested in females of any age” . “I am fan of Akshay and Chetan Bhagat” or “I love Deepika Paducon, She is sooooo Sexi” but the real ones describe it all “I am Sunny, from Haryana, Jaat, 5’11, 21 interested in real fraandship”.

DP – Usually it’s a side profile Pic but the Real ones put pics of Salman , Sunny or Imraan or Akhsay , lately one was found using Chetan Bhagat's pic also.

Tweets – This is where , Twitter and Orkut have applied some really complex Algos , still some of the keywords / phrases could be :

“Fraandship” , “U from , “Friendship *thanks to auto correct some get it right*”, “looking for real luv”, “Just Fraands”, “Which College” , “my email id rohit_hunk86@hotmale.com”, “U R very Beutiful” , “Just Fraands, Pliss, Pliss, Pliss”.

Now that you know it all , let me try define it.

Orkuitya (n) – Harmless creatures on Social Networking sites, like Orkut, Facebook and Twitter (in this order) , who always prowl for DP, TwitterHandle and then Bio ( in that order). They  start mildly , with “Hi” , but can reach 107 degree Orkuttish , very soon. If dealt properly, they are fun to deal with but in past some have been found with “True Love” and “Suicidal Tendencies” also.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Quit India Movement - Bollywood Edition

The year is 1942 , Mahatma Gandhi just called our Bollywood Celebs to join the Quit India movement , and this is what they have to say.

@udaychopra - It’s not always nice to use the word Quit , lets go on the other side and say “Come” – Daya Prochu

@DuttaLara – Dear @maheshbhupathi , these guys are calling for some Quit India , let’s quit india and go to france.

@iamsrk – terribly busy with ra-two , now playing Quit India on PS3 , farhan and me will beat the shit out of them.

 @SrBachchan – T1942 Pahle us aadmi ko lekar aao jisne akshay ko jackass bola tha. Baapu,  phir tum jahan bologe , mein aoonga.

@priyankachopra – Long day , farhan and srk are playing quit india , I am the cheer leader, I love bhagat singh xoxo.

@shahidkapoor – what’s this quilt india ? I like Jaipuri Quilt. Now off on my Harley for a ride .Broadband is erotic , shabbakhair.

@realpreityzinta – Good morning folks ! I’ll not join any movement against Brits as University of London is giving me a honorary doctorate.

@Riteishd – Rajnikant’s new movie is called Quitter , he’ll make India quit from this planet.

@RGVzoomin – Quit India movie is so violent that even Rakht Charitra would like a family function in Karan Johar’s movies

@kjohar25 – Off to London for a Quit India theme fashion show with Gauri and Susanne.

@iHrithik – Amgrezo , meri  GUZAARISH  hai ki Bharat Chhodo , btw Sanjay Leela rocks.

@Ayeshatakia - :) :)

@GulPanag – I am on my way to chandigarh, in Shatabdi.  btw recording this whole Quit India movement on my #tataskyplus.

Also starring
@chetan_bhagat - Please Quit India and join CB Land , my INDEPENDENT nation , comprising of all girls hostels. TROLLS , PLEASE EXCUSE.  #househusband

Disclaimer : The stars in this blog may be real but they have been playing fictitious characters all their real or reel life and always claim that  any resemblance to persons living , dead  or in between is purely coincidental , so be it. 

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Fortune at the bottom of this pyramid !



Sounds familiar, right ? Gone are the days when people used to tell their salaries as 16400 – 750- 19000 , and what they actually use to get was much more. These days, you may flaunt your CTC (Cost to the company) as your salary but what you get is much less and well known to your wife and the neighbourhood friendly bank which has given you a Home Loan and a Credit Card.

I was trying to guage what Venkat Balsubbu thinks about this whole CTC issue. “What the hell, what’s this CTC issue and what’s your pyramid thing , it’s all trash. I don’t believe this, my beloved employer provides me much more than this, I actually believe there is fortune at the bottom of this CTC Pyramid” says Balsubbu

Seeing a bewildered me, he paused to explain. Your salary is not just what gets credited in your account, there are numerous perks which people don’t tell.

A few of them include:

·         Those free sips of tea and coffee, ( Many of us depend on office for our entire caffeine requirement, don’t we?).
·         Devouring those free lunches, (one can’t resist free lunches even when on a strictest of diets!)
·         A few ( rather i must say many ) personal calls ,here and there, that we sneak in from the office phone (now, don’t tell me you are not one of those!).
·         Colour printouts you take every week for your kids’ homework . Some of us even print our CVs for Job Applications in office.
·         All the personal surfing and emails to our friends.
·         Amount of free GPRS bandwidth you consume on Facebook , Twitter and Orkut on your BlackBerry.
·         Some take PostIt , StaplerPins and even writing pads home.
·         How can we forget numerous official visits to distant towns , planned so that you can attend your relative’s marriage and bring your wife and kids back from their summer vacation.

Last and not the least , most of us get paid believing we’ll work for 7-8 hrs a day .
Keep your hand on the heart and tell me , how many days a year you actually work 7 hrs a day !

Saying this Venkat walked away to collect color printout of Hannah Montana for his daughter. 



Saturday, October 16, 2010

New Nationalised Twitter

NewTwitter would be launched first in Tembhli - Maharashtra on pilot basis.
Now , The New Birdie

  • 40 out of 140 characters would be for the reserved category.
  • VIPs would be able to tweet up to 160 characters.
  • Twitter would be available from 9-5 , Monday to Friday.
  • Twitter Dry Day on Gandhi Jayanti , Republic and Independence Day.
  • People with > 350 followers would have to pay wealth tax.
  • User names have to be Unique IDs or Pan Numbers.
  • All Mumbaites would have to end every tweet with #JaiMaharashtra
  • Handles would be renewed every 5 years after mandatory police verification.


Now , The Nationalised FailWhale

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Oh Yeah , We’re the CrackVerry Boys



We wear  fake attitude
We deserve no gratitude
We’re the CrackVerry Boys
Oh yeah
We’re the CrackVerry Boys
We’re Medicore , But we’re Arrogant
We’re very very Arrogant
We’re the CrackVerry Boys
Oh yeah
We’re the CrackVerry Boys
We do PowerPoints
and we do mail
We do meetings
We do all in vain.
Oooo, ooo, ooo, hoooo
Cos We’re the CrackVerry Boys
Oh yeah
We’re the CrackVerry Boys
Na na na
We’re the CrackVerry Boys
Oh yeah
We’re the CrackVerry Boys

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Why Kashmir doesn't get solved on my timeline ?

click on the image to view .

To view on TwitPic , click here http://twitpic.com/2u2pvh

Friday, September 24, 2010

Playing Buzkashi in office.

Buzkashi
I met my friend ,Vencut Balsubbu, Vice President, Synergistic Initiatives, Hefner & Hustler, after a  long time . While chatting, I asked him that how he, an adventure sports loving person,  passes his time in office. “I play email-email” He added “You should know that “email email” is the most popular, adventurous yet dangerous game ever invented after Buzkashi .

He didn’t wait to give me some of his favorites:

When free and have nothing to do, just pick up an email with some attachment, say something like "Seems fine but doesn't gel with the overall strategy , suggest meeting to discuss in detail . Asok, see if you can make a lucid one pager for all" and do reply all. Don’t forget to add some random recipients. It will just take 2 minutes but will set people back by 2 days. Of course , poor Asok will end up working weekend and many will  die figuring out why the email is copied to them.

Whenever you get a forward which is bulky and complex , containing some industry research, all you need to do is to forward to your boss. Add a message like this “don’t agree with all of it but the stats on page 19 are really eye opening” , of course you need not read anything except page 19. If you manage a team , the same document can be sent to them with a message “Let’s discuss sometime next week” , and some of them will take the print home to prepare for the next week.

Whenever you come across any newspaper article on your industry covering a subject like IT or HR which is not your domain, just find the link through google and send it to your peer in IT saying “Came across this piece , speaks about breakthrough in production, in beta though , may be of interest to you” . Of course the message looks benign but the moment you copy it to Head of IT , turns lethal.

Google Alerts, best thing ever happened to an office goer. Everyone creates alerts about your organisation, competitors, but to standout you try this "Strategy+Synergy+(insert name of sector you work)" . Now the moment you get some result, just download the column and forward it to Head-Strategy and Head-HR with a copy to Executive Assistant of the CEO, just say "Must Read". And, yes no need to read it yourself.

And finally when in doubt, just forward the email saying “fyi , please”.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dear Ganesha, So What....

Like every year, this year too we are celebrating Ganesh Chaturthi  will all the fervour and gaiety . And , I am sure YOU will bless us all , after all we do so much for YOU.

We spare no efforts in collecting “chanda” from all and sundry in your name , so what if we have to beat a couple of shopkeepers for not paying what we asked for.

We ensure that your procession is the best and biggest , and do every bit to make you reach early and safe to the “visarjan area” , so what if we have to block traffic for couple of hours or more, so what if some critical patient carrying ambulance get delayed or some office goers face problems, so what if all the state's traffic police is dedicated  towards YOUR safety while ignoring other areas.

We play music at our loudest to entertain you , some times even play Bappi , Himesh or “Munni Badnam Hui” so that you know the latest trends , So what if the kids preparing for exams can’t concentrate or some ailing patients get disturbed.

Your idols have to be the best without making any compromises on your looks , so what if they are made in plaster of paris and painted in some nickel and cadmium heavy paints. 

We will immerse you in sea not in any specially made visarjan ponds , because that’s the place to be , so what if that pollutes the water or disturb the ecological balance.

Now that we have done so much for you , why won't you bless us.

Disclaimer: Dear Ganesha , I have copied the above image from web without paying any royalty as I don't know who has patented YOU or your images.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Google Instant , Filter Coffee and Mumbai Trains

There’s so much buzz about “Google Instant”  , my friend Venkat Ballsubbu , Senior Executive with an MNC Consulting in India , decided to call up Google to find out.

Venkat: What’s this Google Instant ? Don’t you know we still like Filter Coffee!
Google: Sir , Google Instant is not an Instant Coffee , It’s our new search enhancement that shows results as you type.

Venkat: But why , you guys were fast enough.  Many times you boast saying - About 104,000,000 results (0.19 seconds) , while my slow internet connection took 9 minutes to show them.
Google: (Faster Searches)  Sir , Our key technical insight was that people type slowly, but read quickly, So Google Instant can save 2-5 seconds.

Venkat: 2-5 SECONDS , Big deal !  We in India waste hours in meetings , while taking minutes ; waste hours smoking ,having tea , travelling on potholed roads , watching TV serials like Rahul ka swayamwar . We still waste days observing Bandhs for no rhyme or reason ; waste years preparing for Common Wealth Games and some Bollywood actors have wasted lifetime learning acting – What you talk 2-5 seconds of savings.

Google: (Smarter Predictions) Sir , Also , even when you don’t know exactly what you’re looking for, predictions help guide your search.
Venkat:  WTF ! , Predictions , My foot ! Every time I type "How to" , you predict “How to get pregnant” , You think an Indian needs Google to teach him How to get or make pregnant? 

Google: Sir , The most obvious change is that you get to the right content much faster than before because you don’t have to even press “search.”
Venkat: You got it all wrong , I never mind ‘pressing’ . Come with me in Mumbai’s crowded local trains , you’ll start enjoying pressing . Your product will fail in India.

Google: Sir , By the way , It’s a FREE service.
Venkat: Oh thanks , You should have told earlier . We love anything and everything , if Free.

More about Google Instant http://google.com/instant

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Bell, Curve & Venkat's last working day.

To: The Boss
CC: All Team Mates

As many, rather all of you know that today is my last working day here. But, before I leave, let me thank all of you for giving me this opportunity, I mean the opportunity to look for a new job and, courage  to write this email.

First, I would like to thank Reena, 2 years junior to me at IIIT, still working at my level ie Asst Vice President . I thank you for making me realise that “performance is not the only thing” . Yes, the cute teddy bear on your desk, which your “cousin” gave you, was exactly the same Boss bought from Changi Airport for his “cousin”.

Ramesh, just 2 months back Boss hired you from a small time company. I always use to think that inspite of an MBA from some SurajMal Institute - Hanumangarh, how come you managed to join an MNC like ours. Then, that day in Project Dynamic success party, when we all were high, you told me that Boss’s *beautiful* wife Nisha is also from Hanumangarh. I also believe in "Family First” and now you can call her Nisha Didi.

Gloria, though you were just Boss’s secy but you always will have a special place in my life. Every time I went to a foreign  trip, you always asked for PSP games for your son. Way you use to enquire prices ( on my international roaming though) , I always went for the best deals and kept my bills safely . By the way, in the last 2 years , you owe me USD 540 , and I still have those bills.

Last, and the most, Boss, thanks for everything. Thanks for humiliating me in front of Reena, and telling me to be like her, I can’t be like her because those operations cost a lot. Thanks for telling me, throughout the year, that I am doing extremely well but still rating me “Just meets expectations” and blaming it on that “Bell Curve”, I know which "Curve" rings your "Bell". Thanks for making me pay for many lunches we had together, pretending that your Gucci wallet is in office drawer.

And, when you get call in reference to my next employment , I am sure you would say “ exceeded expectations and a great team player ” . Because, that day, after Project Dynamic party, when you were “Dirty Dancing” with XXXXX , my iPhone’s camera was working.

Once again, thank you all and be in touch with me at Venkat33 @ hotmail.com

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Pothole - Half Full or Half Empty.

Mumbai  to Mangalore , Delhi to Dhampur , Bathinda or Boston ( Yes , I said Boston ) , Potholes need no introduction , yet for the uninitiated and some inward-looking homely folks ,let me define it.

Pothole :             (noun) A pit or hole produced by wear or weathering (especially in a road surface).

I don’t understand why people crib about them or hate them , they are actually a God Gift ( see definition – weathering )  to Mankind through Roadkind . Still if some of you are  not convinced , allow me to put the  Potholes in the right perspective.

Inclusive :           It’s God’s own way of bringing the much needed inclusivity in our lives . Be it BMW or Scorpio , Kawasaki or Honda , Nano or Hummer , a pothole spares no one.
Omnipresent:      You may not find traffic police , working signal lights , traffic on the road but you’ll find a pothole – without fail.
Shapes:           As they say "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" – just have a closer look at a pothole  , you’ll see some real art-work in them , recently I saw a “India map shaped pothole” ( Not uploading picture because Kashmir was not represented accurately in that , and I would not like to get into any controversies).
Life Savers :       You know Speed thrills but Kills. But how many of you know that 1000's of accidents , every year ,  are prevented by these humble potholes , and the credit goes to speed - breakers . They are silent speed enforcers , so even if you miss the speed-limit sign , potholes would take care of your speed.
Perspective :     During rains , these beautiful natural wonders get filled with water – now its up to you to see if it’s half full or half empty.
Reminders:        Every pothole is inbuilt with an alarm and would remind you of your life insurance premium , your appointment with  Doc for backache , medical insurance and sometimes even need to visit a Temple , a Church or a Mosque.

Hope you got it .

Disclaimer :        This is neither an offer nor a solicitation to invest in potholes.  I or my family does not hold any interest, directly or indirectly in any of the potholes in India or outside.



Saturday, August 21, 2010

Uday Chopra , Suzuki GSK-R1000K6 and Twitter

As you know, Bobby, my friend works with Twitter and takes care of the verification process at Twitter, narrated to me how Uday Chopra got his account verified.


Uday :  Hi, Is this Twitter? I am Uday. I need to get my Twitter account verified. And listen, I am in a hurry,  have to leave for a shoot.
Bobby: Sir , Kindly give me your full name and Isn't shooting illegal in India?
Uday:  Bugger, firstly,to be precise, I am the Uday Chopra and am talking about film shooting. You haven’t watched DDLJ ....
Bobby: Ya, Ya now I remember, were you SRK’s friend who wore a cap....
Uday:  Bugger, that was Karan Johar, ....any ways what about “ Mujhse Dosti Karoge”?
Bobby: Sir please , I am not that type and I have a girl friend..
Uday : I AM TALKING ABOUT  THE MOVIE , ANY WAYS DID YOU WATCH DHOOM 2 ?
Bobby: Yes Sir , there were 3 Suzuki bikes 1000 cc GSK-R1000K6 , 600 cc GSX-R600K6 and GSR600K6 and all are my favourite , Hrithik was excellent , Abhishek was Ok but there was one bugger who shouldn’t be even allowed to drive a Luna . By the way, Were you director of the movie ...?
Uday: Forget it , Did you see Pyaar Impossible ?
Bobby: Yes sir, we got some free passes  , free popcorn and a corner couple seat . So went with my girl friend . There was Priyanka Chopra in it.......
Uday:  ( interrupts and sighs with relief ) There you are , and I was Priyanka Chopra’s ....
Bobby: (Interrupting ) you should have told earlier sir . Your account is verified now . Completes the details - Uday Chopra , Brother of Priyanka Chopra .... .Hangs the phone.


PS: I am a big fan of Uday Chopra , and I promise that I’ll watch his movie whenever he does his "ACTING" debut.